The Yeti Conspiracy 09/16/2009
The Himalayan Mountains. A mountain range located in the heart of southern Asia referred to as "the rooftop of the world". Home to about 40 million people. Also home to probably a shit ton of indigenous bugs and other things that need to be stepped on. However this scenic landscape is the breeding ground for something else. Something I like to call...a yeti. What do these yetis look like you ask. Well its simple; they're white and hairy and HUGE. Certainly not a creature to be taken lightly. We as the human race know very little about this so called yeti. For centuries the very existence of these creatures has been shrouded in mystery. Numerous home movies have caught these beasts in action, doing grossly unspeakable things. Such as walking, climbing and in a sitting position..... naturally ready to strike at any moment. With so little knowledge about these animals maybe its time to sit down and share some facts that few people know about the yeti.
other alias': Bigfoot, Sasquatch, the Abominable Snowman
favorite number: 8
typical fur color:pure white, however in some cases it may vary. In the case of the yeti's retarded 3rd cousin, Bigfoot, the fur color would be a more brown and black.
foods: That's easy, people....and berries
The average day for a Common Yeti is very simple. It consists of a breakfast, lunch and dinner, like humans. It also consists of a lot of walking and evading human life. A common yeti's purpose is to gather food, farm, and weave rugs to be sold at local markets.
The Militant Yeti. At birth yeti babies are picked to become warriors. Their training methods are things of mystery as well as what these yetis looked like. Its rumored that 33 baby yeti's were used during the filming of Star Wars: Return of the Jedi. You may identify these creatures better as Ewoks. A militant Yeti has but 1 purpose. to protect the secrecy of the yeti populous.
The Intellectual Yeti. Sadly this is the reason that we must live in fear of the yeti. The intellectual Yeti's are the back bone to the yeti uprising. Though school and universities are not accessible to a yeti, they've learned out ways and knowledge through the raiding of Chinese and Indian factories at the foothills of the Himalayas. Consequently the yetis are master soccer players, are familiar with all your kids favorite toys, are immune to lead, and can help you with your computer problems.
The King of the Yetis. There is no creature more feared than the almighty King Yeti. Because the Yetis are not a religious being, they believe in no heaven or hell, no good vs. evil, and no God or Satan. They believe that when they die, they are reborn again as the same yeti they were before. You keep your same name and same ranking in class as you did in the previous life. To make sure that all reincarnated yetis maintain their same name, all yetis have the same name. Raul. When a new king Raul is chosen by lottery, he reigns for life and is held at the highest of respect. When he dies he becomes reborn and is declared king again. The cycle continues til the end of time.
Now you've been enlightened as to what kind of creature we are actual dealing with. This isnt your grandmother's yeit....no no. This is a breed of super apes that have found a way to control everything and anything with the human race. The evidence is everywhere. Allow me to present to you the yeti conspiracy.